Spillage

Trying to generalize the way I feel with a word like fear or uncertainty or with a term like self-conscious overly and blatantly simplifies the kind of emotional struggles I’m (and most of us [are]) dealing with. The act of doing so is confusing, misguiding, heartbreaking, tiresome, and a betrayal to growth and personal prosperity. It’s fucking QUINTESSENTIALLY abysmal. I need to be a friend, I don’t need one; I need to be one. I need to be a fucking friend and be there for my friends in a world where emotional matters matter most. We are all trying to make money. We are all trying to survive in a dog-eat-dog-fuck-cat world where we feel it is our DUTY to our NATION and HUMANITY as a whole to be put in boxes- all red and white and black and grey. The world loses its color, life loses its spark; passion is replaced by struggle, the fight for your dreams turns into a fight for your life, a damned determination to prove to your fellow man that you are their fellow man, their fellow survivor, their fellow hunter and for that you lose meaning to your struggle. Emptiness is essential in this world where you are deprived of a means whereby you can discover your soul.

But all may not be lost. Introspection may lead to speculation if the mind is in control… but what if the gut is the medium for separate functions in the mind? A reference, if I may? A filter between synapses-firing? If the mind controlled only two-thirds of the battle and the gut the rest, the center, the part of you that senses its surroundings, itself, the part that is aware of the life that transmits from your whole being, the light! What if that light was used as a guide, and the brain did all of the logical thinking? What use is there in THINKING about emotions if they happen regardless? The conscience resides in the gut, in the soul, in the center of your being. Personality [personal-morality?] is born in that department, and raised upstairs. The gut must be used to make those decisions; you must be able to find where your gut takes you even if your mind is too attached to another idea.

THIS IS A LOSS OF CONTROL. The mind needs control. Craves it. Feeds on it like a parasite; the mind can lead the body to do things that [literally] destroy itself. The gut knows better, the feeling is there, but the mind may suppress it, it may label it, it may give it another name and call it Nancy-Fucking-Drew [official title] but its misguiding. Imagine ordering an apple juice, but you get an orange juice. You wanted a transfuckinglucent apple-flavored sweet and tangy beverage and instead you got the pussiest citrus in the family with all its pulpy un-glory in front of you. What’s the matter? It’s still juice? Even more specifically, its fruit juice, so what’s your problem pussy? The truth is they’re apples and oranges my friend. Apples and fucking oranges.